I'll come out of the closet when you stop calling yourself a queer.

Unabridged ramblings on the subject of SEX and labels! (Original notes sent to Eric Francis for an article on this month's full moon re: polyamory, sex, relationships, and the boxes we put ourselves in...e.g. the gay ghetto...and other works in regress...)

; - )

Much love,

Stevie Jay

After performing five shows in Providence, I got another walloping dose of the gay thing. For some reason, large numbers of GIGS (Gay-Identified Guys aka GI-Joes) showed up for these performances, and I was mind-boggled all over again that folks put themselves in boxes based on what they do sexually--or based on what they FANTASIZE about in terms of sex. (Like I say in the show: "It's bad enough we put ourselves in boxes based on what we do for a living. 'I'm a doctor.' 'I'm an architect.' 'I'm workin' on my Ph.D.' But at LEAST that's something you do 10-14 hours a day. But to put yourself in a box based on sexual activity?? I just wanna know: Well how much sex do you HAVE in one day, piggy?")

The thing that gets me, (one of many things--ha!) is how people WILLINGLY reinforce the very discrimination they so detest, unwittingly reinforcing the concept of man-on-top-of-woman as NORMAL. The moment you use the word "gay" (about yourself or about others) you've validated the premise that heterosexuality is normal and that anything other than regular ol' hetero stuff is a deviation. There's no way around this. GAY is the opposite of STRAIGHT and the very mentioning of it reinforces the baseline premise that "straight as normal."

When I was in Providence, I met men who were members of various social groups for gay men, e.g. yoga classes for gay men, rowing club for gay men, etc. And I DO understand the desire (and very real NECESSITY) to seek a safe haven in this world wherever and whenever possible. I suppose the question is: Unless the activity is SEX, is there really a NEED to group oneself together with other people based on sexual orientation? I realize this has been said a thousand times, but apparently it can't be said enough: It's not as if "straight men" get together and form clubs and organizations based on their sexual orientation, like "Yoga Classes for Straight Men," or "Straight Men's Rowing Club." It's not as if sucking cock or eating pussy is an indicator of one's personal integrity or represents one's deepest values. (I don't think it even meets the criteria to qualify as a bona fide HOBBY, like stamp collecting or refurbishing vintage alarm clocks.) It's just sex. Basic human stuff. Like food. We all need to eat. I like to eat pizza and you like to eat hamburgers. End of subject. Are you actually telling me that we've got to have a SYMPOSIUM on this shit?--Pizza eaters versus hamburger-eaters--we need to practice tolerance?? I JUST don't get it.

I feel like this is a major blind spot --especially among folks who tend to be progressive and liberal in their thinking. So much gnashing of teeth about equal rights, calling for the dismantling of heteronormalcy while simultaneously using the word "queer" to describe people who are same sex oriented (sexually). The word "queer," first and foremost, means "odd," "weird," "abnormal," --and there are untold numbers of self-proclaimed "queer people" who passionately campaign for the mainstream world to accept them and stop regarding queer people as abnormal. Great--you've got a neon sign above your head that says "WEIRDO" and you're angry because people regard you as a weirdo, and you demand to be treated as normal and NOT-weird. It's a lot to ask.

People love people in all combinations. Men love men and women love women, and that's a reality of being human. And to take that simple reality and turn it into a "thing" via giving it a label adds all kinds of weight and significance and existential/social/interpersonal CONFLICT--none of which has anything to do with the reality of simply loving someone or simply being attracted to someone. Some of the best spiritual teachings deliver this very message: "Don't label things; don't draw lines. Render oneself vulnerable--like a child. Come into DIRECT contact with everything, with each other, with yourself, with whatever is before you. As soon as you've named it, you are no longer in DIRECT CONTACT with the thing, (whatever the thing is)--you've distorted it. Be nothing. Just be present with what IS." These are the basics of Zen Buddhism. ("Pointing at the moon is NOT the moon.") These are also supposedly the central teachings of Jesus --to strip oneself of all dogma and stand naked before God. And folks just WON'T do it. This stuff sounds great on paper or in a Sunday church sermon, but it's ultimately just another theory. Folks don't really GET IT--that this gay-straight shit is MADE UP. (They also didn't want to hear it from Alfred Kinsey. Same message. Not interested.)

This "direct experience" approach is also taught by art teachers, (drawing, painting, etc.) Drawing 101: You look at a chair. In order to accurately draw the chair, you have to forget the word "chair." You have to completely be present with the shapes and textures in your midst...and draw THAT. And the second you bring in the word "chair," you're no longer SEEING what is right there before you.

The same holds true for other labels as well. My friend, Gia, was once bitching to me about some "woman's issue," and she said, "You'd have to be a woman to understand." And I said, "Well maybe if you'd stop being a woman and start being a person, you wouldn't have this problem." My friend, Kendra, a few years back, was publishing a collection of her original poems, and she told me that she needed to decide whether or not to bill herself (in her bio) as a "black poet," or a "woman poet," or a "black woman poet," or a "poet." My vote, of course, was "poet."

And when you use the word QUEER, you're making it all the more difficult for everyone--especially for people who are struggling to open themselves up to their true feelings when it comes to their sexual attractions. And it's all the more HELLISH for men! As if the concept of being "gay" wasn't terrifying enough--now you're gonna use a word that carries the WORST connotations for men in this culture--fraught with shame and guilt and long-standing memories of humiliation and even of fear for one's life. Queer is the dirty word that, for decades, not only accompanied countless beatings of sensitive young men on the schoolhouse playground, but in fact, LED THE WAY for those beatings. The premise that we can all now set aside the violence and abuse associated with the word "queer" and use it freely is insensitive and arrogant to the point of being delusional. Queer is no more a viable replacement for "gay" or "homosexual" as the word "nigger" is a viable replacement for "black" of "African American." "Gook" does not replace "Asian" (as "Asian" came to replace the word "Oriental.") Like the word "nigger," the word "queer" is razor sharp. It burns. It's violent. It cuts deeply. And to toss it around in a cavalier manner, like "Queer Eye for The Straight Guy" is to unconsciously invoke an entire history of violence and trauma, and to do so with a big, clueless smile on your face. Nigger Theory? Kike Theory? Spic Theory? You can feel the jolt in your body when you hear those words. We're being told to de-sensitize ourselves to that jolt when we hear the word queer. I'd like to suggest the opposite: Do NOT become insensitive to the jolt. With all respect to the late and great Lenny Bruce--"QUEER" is NOT just a word. There is no history of violence directly associated with using the word "Asian" to describe a person from Japan or Korea. Queer=Nigger=Spic=Kike=On and on and on. Let's face it: The executive committee could have chosen to use Fuckin' Faggot, but they chose queer instead. What's the difference?

All this shit has to be erased and dismantled if people are ever going to be free to live and love honestly and fully. This isn't a political issue--this is as personal and intimate and essential to one's CORE ESSENCE as it gets. We've GOT to start teaching "love is love is love," and it can't just be some groovy-crunchie concept, or some academic blah-blah that's taught in a philosophy class. This IS the reality: people love and have attractions in a multitude of forms, and people are gonna have to start living this truth and making it real to themselves. How ridiculous that any human being would ever have to even THINK about coming out of some "closet" when it comes to love and sex. (I've got a new bumper sticker that says: "I'll come out of the closet when you stop calling yourself a queer.")

I'm very much tuned into men and the struggles around this whole topic. I see that men are starved for real, vulnerable, honest, loving interaction with one another. And in order for this to take place, men need to feel safe. (True for all people, of course.) And it is not my experience that The Gay World (of Gay Men) is a safe place--for ANYONE to be loving and vulnerable. I see The Gay Man Culture made up largely of developmentally-delayed men who behave like insecure junior high school girls, putting themselves and each other through the meat grinder. I do not see that The Gay World has, at its essence, ANYTHING to do with men loving men for real. There is sex and love between men, and then there's Gay Culture. Two separate entities. There are untold numbers of men who engage in loving, vulnerable relationships with one another that would never in a million years have ANYTHING to do with The Gay World--and for good reason. And sadly, there are untold numbers of gay-identified men who are 100% clueless about this--who have no idea of the ghetto inside which they've trapped themselves, and also have no idea of what they're missing, of what's possible for them in terms of deep, nurturing, loving connection with other men. They have no idea because they will NEVER see it inside a gay bar or inside the gay culture. It's just not there.

YouTubes

Are We Still Talking About That Gay Thing?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w34LCWZQNvU

Sexual Labels
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1MOEI_dvZ8

2 articles

The Rainbow Network Interview
http://www.steviejay3.com/p-int_full.htm

Breaking Barriers - Stevie Jay Comes Home
http://www.steviejay3.com/p-int_full.htm